After the 71st violation of his gag order, Justice Juan Merchan sentenced Donald Trump to 30 days in jail on Rikers Island. Rikers is not a nice place and Trump couldn’t stand the food. As time wore on he was famished. Then the Devil appeared to Trump and said: “You’re the rightful President of the United States. Why are you putting up with this? With me by your side you can do anything! Just say the word and turn that disgusting food into a gourmet loaf of bread.” Trump said, “you’ll have to do better than that.” The Devil said, “try it.” Trump glowered at the disgusting food and shouted, “be a Big Mac and a Diet Coke!” and in an instant it was so. Trump said, “you have my attention.”

The Devil pulled out a video projector and flashed on the cell wall images of all the luxury hotels and golf courses in the world. “All of this and more will be yours if you will just follow my lead.” Trump wasn’t quite persuaded. “I want a solid gold toilet too.” “Done!” the Devil said.

The Devil then took Trump to the top of the Capitol Dome and said, “you can jump off and not be hurt. The people will see it as a miracle and you’ll be re-elected in a landslide.” Trump said, “You mean not hurt by anything? I can shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue and not lose any voters?” The Devil knew Trump already had this, so he said: “I can give you absolute immunity from prosecution for anything you do as president; you can use the Army to assassinate any opposition and you can stay in office for the rest of your life.”

So dealmaker Trump asks the question: “and what do I have to give you?” The Devil said, “a God Bless the USA Bible with your autograph and free shipping. You can call it legal fees. You’ll do the rest of what I want on your own.”